i really should write in this thing more. Someone added me as a friend and everything and all I have is entries that go back months for them to see. Well person who just added me recently, I just wanted you to know that your addition means a little something to me, and if you read this feel free to message me or contact me or anything.

I decided to try this workout thing again. Last time when I got a morning job it messed with my schedule and I was not able to wok out anymore, not I will start working out every night after work and at five in the morning on friday and Saturday.

Laps: 2
Pushups: 10 x 2
Sutups: 1 x 25, 1 x 10

     Nothing really new. I suppose if this entry is to be understood I have to go through the whole story.
 
     I used to be with a girl named Chanda who cheated on me with her ex bf and wanted to break up with me for him, but she changed her mind and stayed with me. She left me for another guy and one point and cheated some more, but of course I took her back. She broke up with me and wouldn't take me back so we stopped talking for like a year.

     We started talking againd and the only way we could see eachother was if she snuck out but she wouldnt sneak out and we topped talking. We started talking again and she said that she wouldnt leave me or cheat on me or change her mind about not wanting to see me. Of course though, we got into an argument and one of her ex bfs started talking to her and she decided that she wanted to give him a chance. I was not going to just sit there and wait for him to prove whatever she wanted him to prove to her, so I just let her go right there.

     I told her I would not talk to her again, but this is extremely hard. She was so cute and adorable at times and I miss her alot but I just cant talk to her again. It is obvious that she will not change, and that I will be no more than just a temp. (person you date until you get someone "better"), to her.

I want to think "It is just her loss", but after thinking this through thoroughly I have come to the conclusion that it is not her loss, it is my loss all around. I am with no one once again (nobody wants me, and no female probably every truly will), while he can easily get another guy, and another after that, or another after that if she has to while I can barely get one.

     I do not want to feel sorry for myself, I understand that I should not be this way, so I want someone to reason with me and confirm my idea so that they can strengthen my resolve. I NEED to accept the fact that I will be alone for the rest of my life. I like sex as well, that is what I really want, but I wont get it. As soon as I get ths confirmation along with reasoning I will be able to get the idea out of my head and know that I just wont get any.

     I want to die so badly. I just cant stand it anymore. Everyone around me can find someone to be with, and I have nothing. I try so hard, but in the end of course I will have nothing. I am so tired of being alone, but I know its what god has planned for me, I just wish he meant to be with someone who I adore......


     It is just not fair. My cousin can get almost any girl he want because he was born looking different. He doesn't really respect women or anything like I do, but it doesn't matter to them, he looks good so they want him. I personally can treat them so much better, be faithful, but I will never get the chance because I am just not good looking enough, just not good enough period. I am not even very picky, I just want a faithful, loyal, reasonable gf. The girls I can get are never those, so does that not mean that I am doomed to be alone? It seems pretty logical to me. I want to be with someone, but the ones I can get just claim they want me but really cheat on me or just break up with me when things or fine, I am supposed to be alone forever, right?

Every night I just look at my cieling and just think about how everyone else can get someone while I cant. I can try, but nobody wants me, I can want them, and try so hard, but it is no use, it wont get me anywhere. I hate myself so much right now, why wont god just finish me off so I dont have to feel this way? It is just so fustrating, nobody really cares about me anyway, I can just die and no one will worry.........I will get to die one day.....I just wish it didn't take so long.

False
Empty are the words of the cursed heart
For there is nothing greater to fear
Yet nothing to more desierable to adhere to

These are the times we hold dear
intuiation a weapon
Instinct a defense
With reasoning as the perfect offense
There to keep the soul on the right path

The burden put on me is the means to hone my strength 
The poison put in my veins is by all means a reason to make a cure
Hope is all that remains
So I put my faith in chance and reasoning
Chance puts me where I need to be
Yet reasoning directs it to my advantage

For me to deny my birth mark would be in itself a sin
My sin is my desire
Yet with my mind it conflicts
The conflict is in itself a means to calm the rage
A means to calm the storm
To create a void of peace a solace

Theres only one possible way to top that
Just fall back
Shatter into a dream
Its really not as hard as it seems
Let your body make way to gravity
Topple
Desintergrate
Break back into originality

Things presently arent what they seem
This is only a dream
But if you choose to rest
You can see the world as it truly is

What you sense at this moment
Is nothing but fiction

It would seem that you would rather live in this world
Because it is what is known
Because it is what you see as true
But you also seek to dwell in what is real
Basque in the truth
Soak in the light

Step back
Fall back
Shatter into a dream
Because what is real is what you dream
This present is only fake
Your dream is to be one with reality
So if you shatter you can reform
Into the truth
Out of what is only fabricated

I dont come to them
It is better to say that they come to me
For what I speak is truth and nothing but
For what I set to do takes action and nothing else

I stay in my zone
The heartbroken come to me
Thier aches and pains are soothed by my words
I speak only truth
Yet the words themselves act as remedies
A remedy
Elixer of magical and mythical sort

Not to put myself on high or anything
But what I speak is what it is
My word is my heart 
And my heart is nothing but good
My soul as lucid as the purest water
My spirit clean
My intentions good

In this instand I am set on healing
Speaking from the heart
The truth
Nothing but
Bring onto me what ails you
The prick of truth hurts slightly more
But the piercing sets you free 

True from the heart I wrote
Cupid himself with an arrow to my throat
The prick sends thoughts of romance
Imagine what is to come if the arrow were to pierce

The moment prior to cupids assult
I stood so tall
My heart so small
there was no time to dream
That is no way to be at all

Now that I am pierced I fall
Down the ice and the wall
For you I stumble

Cupid is the victor
My will is what he had wished to make it
For you gifts the, chalice granted
My being is now what you make it because I let you have

If I let you have at you can never go wrong
Let me drink sweet nector from your cup
That bitter sweet juice
That lovely syrup

It is only the truth if I say you cant go wrong
it is not even in your nature

What I see though
Is the will to please
In you I see a desire to feed
You hunger for love
I remain constant with a pasionate gleed

A slave to what is uknown
You hide safe in your shell
But to cover up means to give way
To shell up means to give up
I am out here 
You in the shadows
A place excluded that know no light

In my coat I am safe
To be is better that not to be
My question to you is
Why continue with that opsomisic mask
That positive front
My viel is my hope
My cage of protection

The case must clearly be
That you have seen better days
My hope is no front
It is just the constant drive
For I am here free
In a better state than you
My wings spread wide
barred by no container

My eyes never decieve
There is nothing in the world you fly in
My case serves ita purpose
To abandon my course would be a great risk
To live or to sore
It is always better to breathe
Than it is to Lay
And to remain that way

In a false reality
Free from chains
Free as a bird
Safe in my home
I am as free as I can be
My life is as safe as it can get
Let my dream be as limited as the sky
Let my well being remain unharmed